For some reason, teenagers love to gyrate their bodies in horrendously ridiculous ways. Middle school dances always look like some tasteless Parkinson’s impersonation contest. However, fad dances are not going away. They are a rhythmless nightclubber’s only chance of getting laid. Here are the 10 most hip-grindingly awful dances of all time.
10. The Hammer Dance
Sadly, M.C. Hammer’s mom bought all his pants three sizes too big and sparkly, hoping he would grow into them (and turn gay). This dance could have been great with only two slight changes.
A. Lose the glitter pants.
B. Change the dance so it doesn’t look 100 percent stupid.
9. The Hand Jive
The Hand Jive represents an important point in the evolution of dance equality. No longer would obese people be excluded from the dance floor, just because they don’t enjoy moving. In this clip, the band is almost completely obscured by the giant backup dancers.
8. The Macarena
Rumor has it this dance was developed as a choreographer struggled to escape from quicksand. Interesting note, the first verse of the song translates to, “Here are some white folks/they want to be urban/God, honkies are annoying/let’s teach them the Spanish Hokey Pokey.”
7. Soulja Boy
Here’s a tip for starting a new dance craze. Don’t make your dance so complicated that people can’t do it without falling on their asses:
6. Da Butt
For many East coasters in the late 80s, doin’ Da Butt was all you thought about, even if you weren’t in the porn industry. We posed the question, “What could be worse than middle-schoolers doin’ Da Butt? Our conclusive answer? Band Geeks doin’ Da Butt.
5. The Freddy
In the 50s, Rock n’ Roll and televised musical performances brought dance crazes to the mainstream. This led industry fat-cats to ask “How crappy of a dance can we sell to hormone-soaked ignorant teenagers, and still have them buy it?” The answer to this question is “The Freddie.”
4. The Cabbage Patch
This horrible dance was probably inspired by moms punching each other in a struggle to obtain the hot 1983 kids toy. The best part about the Cabbage Patch is that it keeps your legs free to do other things, like better dances.
3. The Chicken Dance
This dance evolved from European beer festivals, where patrons would get so drunk they could barely stand. Needing a dance that required a minimum of grace, movement and sobriety, a swiss accordion player turned to nature’s “honkiest” animal, the Chicken.
2. The Y.M.C.A.
At every wedding, this song exposes people with serious literacy issues.
1. The Electric Slide/The Achy-Breaky
These two tie for the top spot because, not only are they awful dances, they are the same awful dance. Each is disguised with a different name, based upon which stereotype is being pandered to. Need the urban tweens to do your new corporate dance? Call it the Electric Slide, which is super-hip (in 1979).
Or maybe you’d like to hit the older-class white demographic? Enter the Achy-Breaky. You can blame all of the hate you have for Miley Cyrus’ career on this dance, which Billy Ray cold ripped off from the electric slide.
For more freaked-out dancing on Comedy.com, check out Grimace getting down in McDonald’s.
If you just read this article for videos of people falling down, you’re in luck. Our crack research team has been following super-heroes and making them dance for nickels.
Evan Hoovler co-wrote the National Lampoon book, Pimp It Yourself, and is the executive producer of the sketch comedy troupe, Drunk Nerds.
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