8: 39 p.m. That’s a wrap for the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, and that’s a wrap for us. We’re going to do some really heavy drinking, now, and hopefully, forget the whole thing. You had Kanye, you had Kanye getting booed all night. Without Kanye, the most eventful thing that would have happened was Lady Gaga’s zombie bloodfest. Speaking of which, we can’t wait for Zombieland!
8:32 p.m. Russell Brand has left! (The stage, and hopefully, our consciences).
8:29 p.m. It’s all over but (yet another) obligatory Michael Jackson tribute, now.
8:26 p.m. They drove two and a half hours for this??
8:23 p.m. Black Elvis is in the building!
8:22 p.m. Jay-Z arrives just in time! It’s almost as if THEY PLANNED IT THAT WAY!
8:19p.m. Jigga to the rescue!!
8:16 p.m. OMG! The Jay-Z convoy is driving in circles around Radio City Music Hall for dramatic effect!
8:15 p.m. Beyonce proves she’s a bigger man than Kanye. (Like we didn’t already know that).
8:14 p.m. Kanye loses again!
8:13 p.m. Video of the year! Come on, Kanye.
8:08 p.m. Pink’s performance might actually be the best performance of the night. That’s what kind of night it’s been, folks. Plus, she just auditioned for Cirque du Soleil.
8:05 p.m. Yet, it did. That’s some fine American crafstmanship (made in Hong Kong)!
8:03 p.m. No way that tiny pink heart stays over Pink’s nipple for the whole performance.
8:00 p.m. Perez Hilton. Where’s will.i.am when you need him?
7:59 p.m. Gaga is making a statement tonight. About what, we have no clue.
7:57 p.m. Drinking game. Every time Eminem and Tracy Morgan appear, drink the whole bottle. You’ll need it.
7:49 p.m. Kanye doesn’t win (again). Surely, we’re not the only ones hoping he wins something, just to see what happens! (Our money’s on Pink rushing the stage).
7:38 p.m. We confess. We have no clue who this is.
7:33 p.m. Tell the truth, Diddy! T.I. will accept his award in about 7 months when he gets out of prison.
7:31 p.m. They’re not booing, they’re saying KAAAAANYEEEE… ahh, forget it.
7:22 p.m. If you like it, then you shoulda put your finger in it.
7:19 p.m. Someone call Blade and put an end to it all.
7:17 p.m. Twilight preview. We can hear the keyboards of “True Blood” fans clicking away right now.
7:07 p.m. Billie Joe whatshisname’s rocking the Pepe le Pew look tonight.
7:03 p.m. Britney, Lady Gaga… Is this the biggest female trainwreck category????
6:59 p.m. Eminem and Tracy Morgan are going to put us to sleep. Em, you’re only funny when you’re getting teabagged.
6:52 p.m. Lady Gaga just got her period.
6:51 p.m. What, Kanye doesn’t feel the need to interrupt THIS?
6:49 p.m. Lady Gaga’s penis is bigger than Fall Out Boy’s. All of them. Combined.
6:39 p.m. For the full effect of the New York Subway, urinate in your hand and rub it on your upper lip!
6:36 p.m. Rock ain’t what it used to be. Green Day: The Musical!
6:34 p.m. Jack Black’s on roids!
6:32 p.m. That awkward silence you hear is compliments of Kanye West.
6:26 p.m. So, Kanye’s stunt was a joke… right? Is Bruno gonna teabag him later?
6:25 p.m. Oh no he didn’t!!
6:24 p.m. Our first award. Best female video goes to… is Taylor Swift 7 feet tall???
6:20 p.m. Oliver Twist should sue Russell Brand for stealing his schtick. “Look at me, I’m a chimbley sweep!”
6:18 p.m. Lady Gaga’s penis is appearing tonight!
6:14 p.m. Freddie Mercury just rolled over in his grave. By the way, we will not be using “Michael Jackson” as a drinking game buzz word tonight. No beer comas tonight, people.
6:11 p.m. Take a moment to remember Janet’s nipple.
6:08 p.m. Looking forward to 77 minutes of Michael Jackson.
6:06. “Whole lot of crotch-grabbing going on” in Madonna’s house. Our house, too!
6:05 p.m. Madonna’s passing judgement on us for passing judgement on Michael.
6:04 p.m. Oh god, Michael feeling up Madonna. Nightmares tonight.
6:00 p.m. Madonna. “Michael Jackson had an old white woman’s vagina. So did I.”
5:57 p.m. Here we go. Your 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, hosted by Russell Brand’s ratty hair. Comedy.com will bring you the full play-by-play throughout the evening, for every stinking last category.
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