So by now the Station Fire in Southern California has burned over 147,000 acres along with 60 homes. The recent reports are saying that arson is to blame for this entire catastrophe, which means someone is in deep… ashy, doo doo. There are no immediate suspects, but a lot of people are saying that Billy Joel did it. But, he didn’t do it. It was always burnin’ since the world’s been turnin’! Everyone knows that. We are championing The Joel right now and refuse to back down from our defense. Here are 10 Reasons Billy Joel DID NOT Start The Fire In Los Angeles.
10. He’s Not An “Uptown Girl”
He’s more of a downtown man, and the fire is north of the city. Plus, he doesn’t hang out at gas stations trying to impress… oh, wait.
9. It Was Obviously Drew Barrymore
She was actually the Fire Starter! She can try to use the excuse that she wasn’t anywhere near the fire, but we won’t be fooled by her trickery.
8. If He Did It, Then Elton John Did It Too
They are inseparable and refuse to work on anything alone. Elton John only lights “Candles In The Wind,” and the Santa Ana’s were clearly not happening the day the fire started. They are both in the clear!
7. He’s Not Poor
Only poor people who are about to lose their homes in the current recession crisis start fires… not famous rock stars.
6. He Only Dates Supermodels
So he has no desire to set fire to a bunch of property to prove that he’s cool. Everyone already knows that he’s cool.
5. He’s A Democrat
They don’t even own matches or lighter fluid or anything. That would go against all the butt kissing they do for PETA, the Wildlife Association and Philip Morris, etc.
4. He’s A New Yorker
They don’t even know what camping or “the wilderness” is. The chances of him being near a mountain or some dumb ass place called La Canada are pretty slim.
3. He Didn’t Start A Fire After The Last Kennedy Died
And that one was waaaay more important. ”JFK, blown away! What else do I have to say!” That sounds way better than, “Ted Kennedy! Brain Cancer! I’m really angry.” Man, that doesn’t even make sense.
2. “Only The Good Die Young”
He’s super old. Oh, and FYI, a goatee doesn’t make you look 35, especially if it’s gray hair.
1. He’s “An Innocent Man”
This was one of his best albums of all time. An innocent person who talks about being innocent, sounds guilty. But, an innocent person who sings about being innocent, sounds like someone who would not start a fire.
Want more Billy Joel? Check out his Disney music video here.
Sarah Tiana is a comedienne/punching bag in Los Angeles.
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