You know what’s big for female singers these days? Having a penis. First there was Lady Gaga and her itty bitty teenie weenie highlighting the Glastonbury Music Festival. Then Fergie showed up in Los Angeles pinching her own package.
It seems like you’re an outcast these days if you’re a female singer without a penis. Inspired by all the penis envy spreading around, we’ve compiled this list of the 10 Female Singers We Wouldn’t Be Surprised To Find Out Have A Penis.
10. Ethel Merman
We’re not completely convinced that Ethel was a woman. She very well may have been the original drag queen. She definitely was an early inspiration for drag queens.
9. Beth Ditto
We don’t really think Beth from The Gossip has a penis since she walks around naked all the time. If Beth did have a penis, she wouldn’t give a damn! Neither would we.
8. Dolly Parton
The bad makeup, the enormously ginormous breasts and the bad plastic surgery confuse us. Young Dolly was all woman. Old Dolly could be a gender reassignment surgery disaster.
7. Peaches
Peaches rocked the beard for a good while. She looked like a cross between a werewolf and a leprechaun… with a huge penis.
6. Clay Aiken
We’re pretty sure that Clay has a penis, despite looking just like a 50-year-old lesbian, but confirmation is required. By confirmation, we’ll just take someone’s word for it. We don’t need to see any of that.
5. Christina Aguilera
If any singer looks like a bad drag version of her former self, it’s Christina Aguilera. Only a drag queen would crimp their hair like that!
4. Grace Jones
It was Grace’s androgyny that made her famous, and it’s what made her hot (we’ll be consulting our therapist about that statement).
3. Madonna
We don’t know what’s going on with Madonna’s arms, but she’s looking more and more like Iggy Pop every day.
2. Annie Lennox
Playboy magazine once named Annie one of the 10 Sexiest Women Alive. We agree. Even the business suit makes us hot.
1. Cher
Cher’s daughter recently announced that she was going to have a sex change. We’re pretty sure she just wants to be more like her mom.
Like this? Then check out the 10 Worst Music-Related Tattoos, and the Worst Songs to Lose Your Virginity To.
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