It’s been well established that this isn’t friendly turf for Soulja Boy. He did top our list of Wackest Rap Lyrics of All Time, and it wasn’t even close.
This, though? This is a gift, straight from Soulja Boy to all of his haters, which appears to be nearly everyone. The other day, he dropped this picture on his Twitter, supposedly of his little Soulja doing the reveille in his drawers. (The potentially NSFW unedited version is here)
But what the hell is it, really? We have some ideas, what with that look on his face. That’s not the look of a man who’s proud of his junk, that looks like a man who just stole the last wine spritzer and got away with it. That’s the look of a man who just spent an hour creating Frankenstein’s monster in his pants, and now he’s ogling his creation.
Here’s our best guesses for the Top 10 Items Stuffed Into Soulja Boy’s Panties.
10. His Double-Ended Dong
You thought you could slip the old Double-Ended Dong trick by us. Go ahead and guess where the other end is. We’ll give you a moment to properly envision that.
9. His pet ferret
This may sound like a funny idea, right up until it decides to fight for its freedom.
8. Bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears Baby Shampoo
How’s a Soulja supposed to fight with tears rolling down his cheeks?
7. A Copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
When everyone from Snoop to Ice T has pretty much declared you the anti-Christ of rap, you might wanna do a little PR work.
6. Enough Vegetables to Toss a Salad
You ever seen white asparagus? It looks just like alien penis. Trust us. After 27 abductions, we should know.
5. His BET Award
Like our grandfathers used to say: if you shake your award more than once, you’re playing with it.
4. His Ding Dongs
You didn’t heed the warning. Never, ever feed him after midnight!
3. Kanye West’s Balls
Seriously, Kanye’s about the only person to ever stand up for this guy. He’s gotta have something of Kanye’s stuffed in there, somewhere.
2. The last remains of his dignity
We know, we know. As if he ever had any in the first place!
1. Those Worm Things From Slither are Real!
All of mankind will meet a violent fate that started in Soulja Boy’s pants. We sort of knew it, all along.
Not enough penis jokes for you? Check out the Look Into My Eyes (While I Masturbate) song, and the Videos That Put Hair on Our Palms.
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