You follow a band for years. You buy all their albums. Then, they release a greatest hits collection that renders your stack of 27 Jesus Jones CDs completely useless. Sure, there’s a Jesus Jones Greatest Hits. (We suggest you go to your favorite CD shop and ask for it today, film their reaction, and send it to us.)
Sometimes, though, you happen across a greatest hits collection that makes you do a double take. The Greatest Hits of Dead or Alive would be an example, if such a thing existed. If such a thing really exists, then kittens somewhere will inexplicably die to balance the universe.
This week must be a slow week for the music industry, because they’re pelting us with all sorts of Greatest Hits collections this week that completely dumbfound us and our CD players. Look for these in the $1 bin in about a week. It’s the 10 Greatest, Uh, Greatest Hits of the Week.
10. Liberace – Greatest Songs
Maybe someone can help us out, here. We weren’t around when Liberace was young. Did everyone pretend he was straight, or did people just not talk about it? The way he dressed would embarrass dudes in leather chaps at a Pride Parade, to this very day.
9. A Boy Named Blue: The Bluegrass Tribute to the Goo Goo Dolls
The Bluegrass tributes to AC/DC and KISS? We get that. The freakin Goo Goo Dolls get a Bluegrass tribute now? What next? The Bluegrass tribute to Crash Test Dummies?
8. The Best of Tasmin Archer
Tasmin Archer released a total of two albums in her career. This, of course, is the Greatest Hits from those TWO albums. That’s not a greatest hits album, that’s a CD single.
7. Polish Harpsichord Music, Vol. 1
We can only hope there will be 27 more volumes in this collection. We never get tired of hearing “Greensleeves” on the harpsichord. Ever.
6. KZ Musik: Encyclopedia of Music Composed in Concentration Camps, Vol. 5
This one probably sounds a lot more depressing than it is, but we’re amazed that they’re already on volume 5. Holocaust deniers everywhere will point to this as proof that it was all a hoax. The Jews were just having a secret jam session, that whole time.
5. Praise Your Way Out: Songs of Inspiration and Hope
Can we praise our way out of the bad acid flashback that this crappy album cover just caused?
4. Babies Go Michael Jackson
It’s exactly what it looks like. Michael Jackson songs re-recorded as baby lullabies. There’s also Babies Go Beatles, Babies Go Pink Floyd, and many more. The moment Babies Go Slayer, we’re all in, baby.
3. Mark Ronson Presents: Rhymefest – Man In The Mirror
The second Jaxploitation™ (you heard the term here first, people) album on our countdown. Either this thing was slapped together in about 2 weeks, or it was just incredibly convenient that, you know, he died. From the Amazon description:
“The result is plenty of dope tracks, plus some skits that are genuinely funny (unlike 99% of Hip Hop album skits).”
A claim like that pretty much ensures that this will be the least funny album of all time.
2. Best of Hoobastank
THE BEST OF HOOBASTANK. In countries that have strict truth in advertising laws, this album is simply titled “Oxymoron.”
1. The World’s Greatest Fusion Guitarists
There has to be more to this sentence. “The World’s Greatest Fusion Guitarists Drive Over a Cliff.” “The World’s Greatest Fusion Guitarists Beg the Gods of Jazz to Forgive Their Unforgivable Sins.” “The World’s Greatest Fusion Guitarists are the Wart on the Anus That Is Jazz Fusion.”
Looking for some more hits? Check out the Creepiest Album Covers of All Time, and the Most Badass Album Covers of the Week.
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