Choke the chicken, bop your bologna, diddle the skittle, bash the bishop, call it whatever you will. Chances are if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably doing it right now!
Not too long ago, we brought you the Top Videos that Put Hair on Our Palms. Those were the songs that everyone was jerking it to. But what about the bands themselves? They like to jerk it, too!
From the subtle to the overt, we’ve gathered our list of the 14 Best Songs About Masturbation.
14. Billy Connolly – “Masturbation Song”
Talk about a spoof that’s hilarious, on point, and pumped up.
13. Jackson Browne – “Rosie”
Looks like its me and you again tonight, Rosie.
Even famous singers have nights with Rosie, every man’s first girlfriend.
12. O-Town – “Liquid Dreams”
You’ve got the star of my liquid dreams.
Best might be a relative term here, but we’re impressed by the overt hilarity and sheer creepiness of this one.
11. Nirvana – “Spank Thru”
I can spank it, I can beat and ejaculate it.
That Cobain kid. Always blowing his head off.
10. Mary J. Blige – “I’m Goin’ Down”
Im goin down Cause you aint around baby
Maybe she means she’s going down like the Titanic?
9. Green Day – “Longview”
When masturbation’s lost its fun, Youre f***ing lazy
We like to knock Green Day a lot around here. Apparently, they like to knock around their “little Green Days” a lot, too.
8. Tori Amos – “Icicle”
Getting off While they’re all downstairs Singing prayers.
Sometimes, we see Tori Amos and wonder what the hell we ever saw in her. Then we remember this song, and all the stories that she masturbated on stage, while singing this. 27 Tori Amos tickets later, we finally gave up on that rumor.
7. Devo – “Prayin’ Hands”
The left hand’s diddling, while the right hand goes to work.
Maybe they’re just giving proper instructions for reading the Bible.
6. Jon Lajoie – “Alone in the Universe”
Girls do the taco hand shake, I’m gonna hold my sausage hostage, tonight.
Jon wins the funniest masturbation trophy for the most hilarious masturbation terms. The trophy? A golden box of Kleenex.
5. Divinyls – I Touch Myself
No masturbation list would be complete without the Divinyls. In thousands of strip clubs all around the world, this song is playing right now.
4. Buzzcocks – “Orgasm Addict”
You get in a heat, you get in a sulk, but you still keep a beating your meat to pulp.
This sounds like some angry masturbating, and you wouldn’t like a masturbator when he’s angry!
3. Billy Idol – Dancing With Myself
Poor Billy didn’t get an invitation to the Butterfly ball. So he’s making his own!
2. Cyndi Lauper – “She Bop’
They say I better stop–or Ill go blind.
When everyone figured out what this song was about, parents suddenly saw the world as a dirty, dirty place. Kids suddenly saw the world as a really awesome place.
1. Prince – “Darling Nikki”
I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess u could say she was a sex fiend, I met her in a hotel lobby Masturbating with a magazine.
Technically, Prince does get some in the end, but it contains the line most synonymous with masturbating in song of all time. This line was so hot, the first time you heard it, you spent an hour in the bathroom with nothing but a Walkman, repeatedly pressing your rewind button.
Just because you finished, doesn’t mean you’re through! Check out the Worst Songs to Lose Your Virginity To, and the Funniest Songs About Love.
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