The king is dead. Long live the king.
Seriously, it’s been a month since Michael Jackson died, and nobody has seized the throne, yet. What’s going on, people? There’s a kingdom to be ruled, here. The peasants are going to get restless, if something doesn’t happen soon. (The only thing left of King Michael’s rule, is Joe Jackson trying to pawn his albums).
So, we’ve decided that it can only be one man. Prince, The Artist, the symbol, whatever you want to call him, he is the only man who can fill those shoes. Find out why in the Top 10 Reasons Prince Should Be the New King of Pop
10. The Emperor Don’t Need No Clothes
Seriously, who would want to cover up all that SEX-AY?
9. When he does put on clothes, he dresses like Little Lord Fauntleroy, but gayer.
If Prince wore a ruffled surgical mask, would anyone really even notice?
8. Even when Prince throws songs away, they become hits.
If Prince doesn’t start throwing away songs, nobody ever hears of Sinead O’Connor. Prince tried to give one of his songs to another band, too. The band threw a fit, until Prince stepped in and said “This song is too good for you. I’m taking it back.” The song was “Kiss”, and the band was called Maserati. Remember them? Neither do we.
7. Prince is awesome at basketball AND pancakes.
Anyone who can dunk in a pair of heels deserves to be king.
6. He still knows how to party like it’s 1999.
Prince got sued for this, but you know what? If you rent a house to Prince, you can pretty much expect that you’ll be keeping his damage deposit.
5. Prince is the biggest pervert of them all
Really, has anyone written more kinky songs about sex than Prince? “Darling Nikki,” “P-Control,” “Gett Off,” on and on. Prince’s lyrics book would read like an issue of Penthouse Forum.
4. Single-handedly reponsible for all “parental advisory” labels.
It’s true that Tipper Gore founded the Parents Music Resource Center immediately after catching her 12 year old daughter listening to “Darling Nikki.” Soon, albums started getting slapped with these labels, and it made it a hell of a lot easier for us to spot which albums to buy. Thanks, Tipper!
3. He needs the gig to help score a spot in heaven.
Prince is a Jehovah’s Witness and all, and he’s not exactly going to be knocking on doors early on Saturday mornings, so he’s going to have to fill his conversion quota somehow, if he ever wants one of those prime spots in heaven. Picture this: instead of releasing doves at Prince shows, copies of The Watchtower rain from the skies.
2. He’s just one freaky dude.
You have to be one seriously messed up dude to handle all the non-stop attention you’d be getting as the king of pop. Look what it did to MJ. We have a feeling Prince would send the paparazzi running from his freakishness.
1. Duh! He’s already a Prince.
It’s a shame that this even needs to be said. It’s the natural progression of things. First, you’re a prince, then you’re a king, then you build a castle, where you die on the toilet.
To learn more about the past kings of music, see the 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Michael Jackson, and the Eternal Moonwalk, a tribute befitting of a king.
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