There have been too many anti-drug and anti-drinking groups to keep track. For decades, Mothers have been Against Drunk Driving, and/or D.A.R.E. to keep kids off drugs. So far, they’ve had no effect.
We think we know what the problem is. It’s not the message, it’s the strategy. You tell a kid “Drugs Are Bad,” and so what? You also told them masturbating at the dinner table and listening to death metal were “bad.” You’ve already blown your chance on that.
What would work, though, is a heavy dose of reality. You want to live the Rock and Roll lifestyle? Fine, but here’s a little glimpse of what’s going to happen. More effective than any D.A.R.E. poster, it’s the 13 Crazy Photos of Music Stars That Will Keep Kids Sober.
13. Glenn Campbell
Looks like somebody pissed in this Cowboy’s Rhinestones this morning. This is what you’ll look like right before or after you get your ass kicked. We’re not sure which.
12. Wynnona Judd
It’s pretty tough when, onstage, your mother looks hotter than you. It’s even tougher when you get arrested and it turns out, your father looks hotter than you, too.
11. George Clinton
George would rate higher on the list, but it’s hard to tell if he’s drunk in this photo, or not. Hey George, do fries go with that shake?
10. Lindsay Lohan
When you look like this, kids, your friends will either teabag you and put it on the internet; or put your hand in warm water, wait for you to piss yourself, and put it on the internet. Either way, you deserved it.
9. Boy George
Boy George went from being a pretty woman to being a tattoo-headed prison rapist almost overnight. It’s all thanks to the drugs.
8. Amy Winehouse
How scary must the rest of this list be if Winehouse is #8? She looks like one of those Kenyan runners at the Olympics, if they were, you know, much skinnier.
7. Whitney Houston
Whitney looks like the kind of hooker that offers free samples in an alley. She will aaaaaalways love you long time.
6. Keith Richards
When you put it all in perspective, Keith doesn’t look half bad. Thanks for putting on the armband to draw attention to those emaciated pecks.
5. James Brown
When James sang “I don’t know Karate, but I know Kuh-razy,” this was what he was alluding to, right here.
4. Henry Lee Summer
We’re going to drag this joke out for as long as we can: Wish I Had That Meth.
3. Pete Doherty
Where to start? The mangled teeth? The mouth herpes? It’s the eyes that truly say “yes, officer, but first will you tell the unicorn on your shoulder to quit laughing at me?”
To drive this one home a little bit harder, here’s Pete and Amy Winehouse playing with baby mice. On crack.
2. Courtney Love
Seriously, what’s with the herpes? They’re rock stars, so they can’t be blowing strangers in the alley for crack money. They’re just doing it for the fun of it!
1. Eddie Van Halen
200 years earlier, and Eddie would have been burned at the stake for looking like this. Are those his teeth he’s holding in his hand?
You hooked now? Check out the Funniest Albums Never Made (many inspired by these same photos). For a drug that’s good for you, try smoking some lettuce. If you want to get the urge to do drugs, though, nothing works better than an anti-drug PSA.
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