It’s time again for us to take a good look at what the music industry’s trying to sell us. In the past, we’ve brought you the Most Badass Albums, and the Most Awkward Translations from J-Pop, and Albums Guaranteed to Kill the Mood.
Sorting through this week’s crop of new releases, there was one theme that stuck out: July must be Ghetto Fabulous Awareness Month. We’ve got bling, we’ve got pimp hats. We’ve got blinged out pimp hats. We’ve even got stuff that we don’t even know what to call.
Put on your fake lashes, because it’s time for the 10 Most Ghetto Fabulous Albums of the Week.
10. Chantelle Ernandez – Why Can’t We
Damn, girl. With those eyelashes, you’re either getting ready to star in the Lion King of Queens, or you’re on your way to church. Why Can’t We? Because you look like a bedazzled peacock, is why.
9. Soul for Lovers
Pretty sweet artwork here, and we like the idea of hearts with afros. But that baby poo brown color scheme makes us wanna keep our pants on.
8. Big Pete Pearson – Finger in Your Eye
All you wannabe young pimps, get a good look at Big Pete. Now that’s a pimp hat! Pete’s too old to give you the backhand, but he’s about to go Moe, Larry and Curly on your ass. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
7. Comfusoes, Vol. 1: From Angola to Brasil
Yeah, we don’t know what the hell’s going on here. There’s some graffiti in the background or something, but if you squint your eyes just a bit, she looks like Buckwheat doing a performance art version of Roots.
6. Chuck Carbo – The Barber’s Blues
Ah, Chuck. You can put her in the background as far as you want, trying to look pimp, but we can still tell she’s a DUDE!
5. D’stinquished Gentlemen – Get It Poppin’
Haha. Distinguished. That creepy CGI car looks like a Stephen King sequel: Christine in the Hood.
4. LMFAO – Party Rock
We’re pretty easy, here. If there’s a formula that impresses us, it’s definitely extreme closeups of crotch-grabbing + zubaz.
3. Major Lazer – Guns Don’t Kill People
Guns may not kill people, but the mental overload from all that crap in this drawing kills people. We count at least 73 symbols of ghetto fabulousness hidden in this drawing. Can you spot the microphones?
2. Sabryia – Dance All Night
Girl, no. Is that a blinged out spiderweb on your hand? There are at least 10 pictures of Sabryia on this cover, because they were all too fabulous for her to just pick one.
1. Chuck Roberson – For Real This Time
Yeah, you know this is Photoshopped. If you show up on the White House lawn dressed like that, you’d better be the King of Pimplandia or something, or Obama will have the Secret Service take you down faster than they can say “Yes, We Can.” See, this right here is what Rush Limbaugh was afraid would happen if we had a black President.
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