Sure. The Star-Spangled Banner is a tough song to sing. That could be because it wasn’t written as a song, but as a poem. Sorry to anyone who got all butt sore about James Earl Jones dramatic reading of the Star-Spangled Banner, but JEJ was just keeping it real. Francis Scott Key real. It was Key’s brother-in-law who set it to an old English drinking song, which means you likely have to be both drunk off your ass and British to sing this song properly. (All the whistling from the gaps in their horrible teeth provide the extra push on the high notes). (See: Susan Boyle. But hey, America’s Got Talent’s looking for ugly American woman who can sing, too!)
Throughout the years, there’s been plenty of controversy, plenty of outrage, but mostly, it’s been hilarious failure, when it comes to trying to the Star-Spangled Banner. Stop it, people, you’re going to make Lee Greenwood turn Al Qaeda.
Get ready to plug your ears. Light up some fireworks. Do anything you can to cover up the horrors you’re about to hear in the 10 Worst Versions of the National Anthem That Make America Weep.
10. Enrico Pallazzo/Lt. Frank Drebin
The only performance on this list that was meant to be funny, Leslie Neilson certainly sounded like he would fit right in singing the anthem at any given World Series game.
9. Jonas Brothers
That’s what abstinence only education will do for ya. Virginity, you’re killing America.
8. Michael Bolton
Where to start on this one? The horrible droning? The part where he has to look at the lyrics? Maybe the fact that someone actually asked Michael Bolton to sing the national anthem. This mangling of the Banner turned out to be the best song the man ever made.
7. Natalie Gilbert
This one is the most endearing of the anthems on the list, when Mo Cheeks comes to the rescue, after little Natalie forgot all the words. The downside, though, was there were now two people mangling the anthem.
6. Cuba Gooding, Sr.
Cuba had a Motown career in the early 70s. We think he was a member of two Motown super groups: The Dramatic Facial Expressions, and the Bleeding Eardrums.
5. Carl Lewis
Carl Lewis was the fastest man in the world. As a singer, well, he was the fastest man in the world. Check out the suit, though. Carl looks like a leopard doing community service, cleaning up trash on the highway.
4. Hillary Clinton
This right here is why Hillz could never be President. Hillary’s national security strategy? It’s called “earboarding”.
3. Jessica Simpson
A new entry, rocketing up the charts, this here just happened yesterday. Hey, Jess, shouldn’t you be busy draining Tony Romo of his life force or something?
2. Roseanne
Sure, Roseanne meant it to be awful. Because, you know, her normal voice doesn’t make you want to poke out your eardrums with ice picks, or anything. That spitting at the end wasn’t because she just finished orally pleasuring America. That’s for damned sure.
1. Chattanooga Cop
Worst, best, this one is all things in one. Only in America can a young black boy grow up to have no sense of rhythm. Props to that cop who doesn’t even crack a smile. He’s officially the world’s hardest ass boss. Imagine what he’s like when funny stuff isn’t going on right in front of his eyeballs.
Ears still bleeding? This link will soothe your cochleas: The Funniest Fake Bands of All Time
If pain is your game, then you’ll love Hearing Bohemian Rhapsody in the Most Annoying Voices of all Time.
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