It’s that time again, when we celebrate new release Tuesday. The music biz throws well over a thousand lumps of crap at our walls every week, and whatever sticks, they coat in platinum.
Those albums aren’t our concern. Recently, we’ve brought you the most bad ass album covers, the albums we wouldn’t even steal, and the funniest albums never made.
This week, we’re focused not on what these albums are, but what they’re not. The albums that try to be sexy, but end up putting the quest for sexual liberation back a few notches. If you throw one of these on, your girl isn’t giving you any for a week, assuming she ever respects you again. This week, we honor the 12 New Albums Guaranteed to Kill the Mood.
12. Yankee Republicano (Daddy Yankee Diss) – DJ Warlock One E-legal Feat Komandante
Damn. We know you want to show off the E-LEGAL* prison tramp stamp your girl got on her ginormous ass, but we see dingleberries up in there, essay. Everyone back, that thong is about to E-SPLODE!
11. Joseph Raulin – Joseph Raulin
Hey, ladies! What’s more sexy than a guy in his Christmas sweater, with a bald eagle flying in the background? Nothing, besides Joseph’s sexy time look, of course.
10. Once You Go Black – Gina Rachmaninova
With the smallest amount of art direction, this could have worked. Gina looks like more of a caramel queen than pure brown sugar, but you still have to get past that whole K-mart blue light special album shoot thing. We can only imagine how bad the album is. The hell kind of black girl is named Rachmaniehjshjahjksh, anyhow?
9. Born in 69 – Bob Sinclair
Nothing can kill the mood quite like imagining dirty hippies having sex. If you lack the imagination to picture what that looks like, just look at this album cover.
8. Llévame Contigo – Julio Preciado
If not for the mustache, we’d swear we just found the Mexican version of It’s Pat! Llévame Contigo is Spanish for “I’m rubbing butter on myself” or something like that.
7. Seduced by 2 Women: the Erotic Adventure for a Man – Sandrine Jopaire
This sounds like a brilliant idea, until you manage to get two girls into your parents’ basement/love pit, and they see the album sitting on the CD player. Then, it quickly becomes “Hysterically Laughed at by 2 Women: the Emasculation of a Man.” For all we know, this could just be a recording of two girls doing it, for guys to jerk it to.
6. Gay Happening Presents Mega House Party 3
We know men are predictable, and gay men are just as big of suckers as straight men, but you guys only dress like this for the Pride Parade, right? Right?
5. Turn Your Head and Cough – Glamel Toe
Dude, you forgot to stuff the sock! Rule #1 of 80s metal: when you get the extreme closeup of your junk in tight spandex, never let the world see your, uh, shortcomings.
4. Texas Gentleman – Rich Minus
This old cowboy wants to show you a good time at the Austin Motel. He might even take off his hat. What’s it mean when this album is only available as an Import?
3. I Got It Bad – Marc Benno
Marc’s got it real bad. He’s had it for more than four hours, too, so someone might wanna call a doctor. Are those little spermies 69ing down either side of the album cover?
2. Naked with Friends – Maura O’Connell
Where’d all your naked friends go, Maura? Did everyone bolt when they realized their mom showed up at the orgy? Put some clothes on.
1. Mr. Hit Dat Hoe – Treal Lee & Prince Rick
Nothing puts a hoe out of the mood quite like hitting her. You ain’t fooling anyone, kid. You’re 5′2″, even with your cornrows.
Now, to get you back in the mood, here’s Treal & Rick’s video for “Get Off Me”:
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