We’ve seen several lists like this. Usually, it’s a list of hottest women of rock, or the best women of rock, and we thought “why should we have to choose?” You really can have it all!
So, we brought in a team of the world’s best math experts, and over the course of several weeks, we developed this sophisticated formula to measure it all:
“You can’t argue with bulletproof maths”
We then awarded points on both rockness and hotness, and rated every single woman in rock history. Sorry, Janis. You managed to land a negative score for hotness, and that really brought down your average. When the computer was done tabulating the results, we had The Top 20 Women Who Rocked Our Asses.
20. Wendy O. Williams
Rockness: 9 Hotness: 1
It’s a good thing Wendy O. rocked so hard, because she looked like the meth head dude outside the 7-11, begging you for quarters to buy a taquito.
19. Exene Cervenka, X
Rockness: 6 Hotness: 5
We once thought we had developed an extreme case of Exene Cervenka, but it turned out to be just gas.
18. Tina Weymouth, The Talking Heads
Rockness: 6.25 Hotness: 6
We love girls who play bass, and our love for girls who played bass for one of the most important bands of the 70s and 80s? It’s the same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.
17. Siouxsie Sioux
Rockness: 6.5 Hotness: 6
Siouxsie was the hardest one for us to rank. Sometimes, Siouxsie looked like the cute girl you knew who didn’t give a damn what you thought about her. The next time, she looked like the guy at the drag show that all the other drag queens feel sorry for.
16. Grace Slick, Jefferson Airplane
Rockness: 7 Hotness: 6
Grace lost hotness points for every time Jefferson Airplane changed its name. Singing the theme song for Mannequin damn near knocked her out of the top 20, altogether.
15. Chrissie Hynde, The Pretenders
Rockness: 7.5 Hotness: 6
Remember when Chrissie Hynde was awesome? Yes, we do. Now, she’s just the oldest crazy lady getting naked for PETA. We’d rather you wear fur than go naked, please.
14. Kim Gordon, Sonic Youth
Rockness: 8 Hotness: 6
When Steve Albini writes a song about your panties, you know you’re doing something right.
13. Patti Smith
Rockness: 9.25 Hotness: 5
We’ll let you in on a little-known secret. Patti Smith and Iggy Pop are the same person.
12. PJ Harvey
Rockness: 7.5 Hotness: 7
PJ is really hot if you go for the pale-skinned, 73-pound heroine junkie look. (Which, as a matter of fact, we do).
11. Nina Hagen
Rockness: 8 Hotness: 7
Nina gets extra rockness points for longevity. She gets extra, extra hotness points, however, for being the craziest nut case to ever score a recording contract.
10. Kathleen Hanna, Bikini Kill
Rockness: 8 Hotness: 7.25
Kathleen’s rockness level was off the charts when she was still with Bikini Kill. After that Le Tigre remake of “I’m So Excited”, we’d like to start a band called Hipster Kill.
9. Pat Benatar
Rockness: 8 Hotness: 7.5
Haha. Legwarmers. Surely, nobody would be dumb enough to start wearing those things again, right?
8. Kim Deal, The Pixies
Rockness: 9 Hotness: 6.75
What we’d really like to know is: How is it possible for identical twins to rate so far apart? (Kelley scored a 1). Ahh, yes, it must be because while Kim was busy being a member of the Pixies, Kelley was too busy sitting around on her ass not being a member of the friggin’ Pixies.
7. Kim Shattuck, The Muffs
Rockness: 9 Hotness: 7
You wanna get funny looks? Go to Barnes and Noble and buy a Muffs CD and a Prick CD together, and see if they don’t confiscate your rewards card.
6. Stevie Nicks
Rockness: 7.5 Hotness: 9
The war of the sexes over the name “Stevie” kicked off in the 70s. With the way Stevie Wonder crashed and burned, the name is now officially a girl’s name.
5. Ann & Nancy Wilson, Heart
Rockness: 9 Hotness: 8
You’ve gotta respect women who will tell you through song just how crazy they’ll go on you, before you’ve even met them.
4. Brody Armstrong/Dalle, The Distillers
Rockness: 8 Hotness: 9.5
If you’re a gutter punk who prides himself (or herself) in your hard-earned aroma of foot and armpit, then Brody is your dream girl. If you’re a girl (or guy) who thinks Avril Lavigne is punk, Brody is just the woman to kick your ass.
3. Joan Jett
Rockness: 9 Hotness: 9
Joan rocked our asses so hard, we could even tolerate her vegan cooking. Hell, we could even tolerate her toxic vegan farts. (Call us, Joan).
2. Lita Ford
Rockness: 9 Hotness: 10
Lita scored 5 points on the hotness scale. Lita’s hair scored the other 5.
1. Debbie Harry, Blondie
Rockness: 9.5 Hotness: 10
This is every reason dudes get interested in music in the first place, right here. To find a girl who can sing, and who looks this good in knee pads.
Like this post? Check out these other posts that rock:
The 12 Most Bad Ass Album Covers of the Week
Five Things Better Than the Upcoming Runaways Album
The 6 Most Rocking Grannies on the Internet
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