We have a confession. We haven’t been to church in a long, long time. Part of the problem is that we’re total heathen sinners, and confessing our sins would take the greater part of the rest of our lives, if we started right now.
The other problem, of course, is that church music really sucks nowadays. If you thought you were bored singing “In the Sweet Bye and Bye” as a kid, try singing some of the blasphemies they sing in church today. If Jesus himself walked into a church and they were singing Stephen Curtis Chapman, the Lord would storm out of there, fill a jug with water, turn it into wine, kick his feet up, and call it a day.
We’re hoping to change that. We’re going to start our own church. The Church of the Holy Hilarity. All will be welcome at the CoHH, and we’ll have bingo EVERY night. Most of all, though, the music won’t suck – thought it will be very awkward.
Here’s The 10 Songs It Would Be Most Awkward To Sing in Church, from the Hymnals of the Holy Hilarity.
10. Benny Hinn: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor
Benny Hinn likes to abuse with the healing. When he starts throwing it through his legs and behind his back, he looks as cheesy as Luke Skywalker throwing the force all over the place in return of the Jedi. This, however, rocks:
9. Funny or Die – Shave Your Balls for Jesus
Oh, yeah. We may have forgotten to mention it, but the CoHH is one of those churches where you have to become a eunic, so all your church ladies are belong to us.
8. Dandy Warhols – “Hard On for Jesus”
Jesus ain’t gonna be mad if you pop a boner. His dad gave it to you.
7. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Post of Life
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!
6. Meat Puppets – “Lake of Fire”
Kurt Cobain is the patron saint of song covers at the Church of Holy Hilarity.
7. Ministry – “Jesus Built My Hotrod”
Commandment #1: Thou shalt ding-a-ding-dang your dang-a-long-ling-long.
6. The Vaselines – “Jesus Don’t Want Me for a Sunbeam”
The second song on the list that Nirvana covered on MTV Unplugged. We told you Kurt Cobain died for our sins.
5. Doctor And The Medics – Spirit In The Sky
We’re pretty lazy at the Church of Holy Hilarity. Instead of a ladder or a Stairway to Heaven, we’re putting in an escalator.
4. Cake – Sheep Go to Heaven, Goats Go to Hell
And Platypuses are stuck in freakish animal purgatory for all eternity!
3. Jill Sobule – “Jesus Was a Dreidel Spinner”
Jill “Kissed a Girl” about a decade and a half before Katy Perry did. We’re pretty sure she kissed her better, too.
2. Tom Waits – “Chocolate Jesus”
Tom Waits could have a songbook of his own at our church. This was a tough call between this, Jesus Gonna Be Here Soon, and God’s Away on Business. Chocolate Jesus wins for edibility. All this worshipping makes us hungry.
1. Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon – “Are You Drinkin’ with Me, Jesus?”
Jesus is so gonna drink our asses under the table. He can even walk on beer.
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