“It’s not a Tumaaa” (This joke will make sense later, consider this “foreshadowing”).Yesterday was new release Tuesday, which has become pretty meaningless, considering that nobody actually buys music anymore. Nonetheless, they just keep on making them.
We’ve searched through thousands of this week’s new releases to come up with the absolute bottom of the barrel. We wouldn’t even play these albums with your iPod.
10. Hushabye Baby, Lullaby Renditions of Garth Brooks.
Hoping to make yourself feel better by having a kid who’s a bigger drunk loser than you are? Keep putting them to sleep to “Friends in Low Places.” The rest will work itself out.
See the top 9 after the jump:
9. New York Dolls – ‘Cause I Sez So.
So, let us get this straight. Your one schtick was that you dressed in drag. Now, you’re just old, and you’re not even in drag? What good are you?
8. Jerry Reed – When You’re Hot: 1967-1983
How the world has managed this long without a comprehensive Jerry Reed compilation is beyond us. We just got the strangest urge to shave our chests.
7. Simple Minds – Graffiti Soul
You know, that’s really deep to think about. Graffiti on your soul. We’re pretty sure ours says “it’s only gay if the ballz touch.”
6. Gary Morris – Hits
Don’t trust the liner notes. All 12 tracks are “Wind Beneath My Wings.”
5. 311 – Uplifter
If Bob Marley is too political for you, and Ziggy Marley is too black, there’s always 311.
4. Diana Krall – Quiet Nights
Jazz officially died over 30 years ago, which makes this zombie jazz. We expected more brain-eating, and less flute-blowing.
3. Eternal Tears of Sorrow – Children of The Dark Waters
Judging by the album cover, this is either Celtic Wiccan Harp Menstruation CRAP, or one of those Norwegian symphonic death metal bands. Either way, the end result is the same: curled up in the fetal position, screaming “why doesn’t anyone understand meeee?”
2. Dave Matthews Band – Big Whiskey and The Groo Grux King
Making the world safe for Dockers, yet again.
1. The Lou Gramm Band
70 years ago, Lou Gramm was the singer for Foreigner. Then he had a brain tumor, and then he released a Christian rock album. After two-plus decades, we can finally forgive our parents for not letting us go to that Foreigner concert when we were in middle school.
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